Deep in the Malaysian jungle there exists a strange mammal. If you met him during waking hours you might find him unremarkable. He spends his days in tree hollows, peering out into the sunlight and taking the occasional nap. Once evening begins, however, this enterprising little fellow springs into action. He jumps from his tree to the forest floor and scurries about, enormous feathered tail in tow. He toddles along with his nose in the air, whiskers akimbo, in search of one thing: the nectar of the sago palm.
Not just any sago palm nectar, mind you. Our moonlit friend has no interest in the fresh stuff. Sugar? How boring! No, he’s in search of older nectar, the sort that has leaked from the cone of the palm and mixed with wild yeast, fermenting over days and weeks into a potent, heady brew. He wants palm booze, pure and strong, and woe betide any creature that keeps him from it.
By now you’ve no doubt guessed that we’re discussing the pen-tailed treeshrew, nature’s most prolific alcoholic. He’s fuzzy, yes, and very cute, but don’t let his looks deceive you: he drinks like an out-of-work longshoreman. In human terms he averages 10-12 glasses of wine a night. On a successful evening his blood alcohol will reach 0.40. A pen-tailed treeshrew’s entire life is spent over the legal limit; you’ll have to find someone else to drive you home.
Just be sure you don’t accept a ride from a Bohemian waxwing, the red-tipped perching bird native to Siberia. She eats as many as two thousand cotoneaster berries a day, favoring fermented ones when possible, and has been known to get so drunk that she topples from the sky mid-flight.
We need not stray so far from our evolutionary heritage to find boozing animals. Panamanian spider monkeys seek out fallen fruit with the explicit goal of intoxication, and palm wine brewers in equatorial Africa know all too well that if you leave your casks unattended you risk a raid from thirsty chimpanzees.
Yes, the natural world is full of drunkards. It’s a fact that may bring you comfort the next time you have one too many limoncellos, and it’s good knowledge to keep in your back pocket as we approach the warmer months, because despite nature’s inclination toward drinking there are always those pious few who claim they’re eschewing the booze this year. They seem to come out of the heat-expanded woodwork sometime around late May, preaching about how pure they feel and insisting that they’ll never touch the bottle again. Maybe you should give it up too, they’ll tell you. There’s a company in Oregon that makes zero-proof gin and it’s really very good. It has ashwagandha in it. You won’t even know you’re sober.
It goes without saying that we veterans refrain from such abstinence. We’ve seen this cycle before. It’s driven by boutique grocery store advertisements and the ranting of peppy fitness influencers, and it strikes hardest at those who have made a resolution to get in shape this summer. Every year it turns sobriety into a health trend, and like all health trends, it never lasts. We know those who profess their alcohol-free lifestyle the loudest will be back on the sauce by September. It’s nature’s way, after all.
In the meantime, however, we have a conundrum on our hands. May is nearly here, and with it come barbecues and backyard dinner parties and all sorts of warm weather merriment. You’re a good host, which means you want to provide for everyone in attendance. How do you keep your teetotaling guests happy—and, more importantly, quiet?
Fear not, dear reader: I have a solution.
Head to your local Italian grocery (or go online if you must) and buy yourself a case of Crodino. It’s a nonalcoholic aperitif that comes from Crodo, a mountain hamlet located at the base of the Italian Alps. It’s bitter and complex and slightly sweet with a pleasing orange-red color, and it comes in stylish little bottles that make you feel as though you’re drinking something celebratory, despite the lack of alcohol.
Crucially, Crodino streamlines your drink-serving process. Abstaining guests can enjoy straight Crodino, on the rocks with a slice of orange. You and your fun friends, meanwhile, can mix it into something more intoxicating, because Crodino is like most nonalcoholic beverages: improved by the addition of spirits. It accepts both rum and gin with grace. It’s also nice with a splash of champagne.
Any of the above would be good, but my favorite use for Crodino is to make a modified Negroni. I’ve dubbed it “the Crogroni,” which I acknowledge is a regrettable name. I assure you it tastes better than it sounds. It’s citrusy and bright, perfect for a sunny day, and it’s strong enough to help you tolerate the fair-weather prohibitionists that surround you. Give it a go at your first gathering of the season. Let the summer celebrations commence!
The Crogroni
Ingredients:
- 50 mL gin (I like Tanqueray or Beefeater)
- 20 mL Crodino
- 30 mL red vermouth
- Strip of lemon peel, for serving
- Ice
Instructions:
Stir ingredients together and pour into a highball glass with plenty of ice. Garnish with lemon peel and serve.
I cannot wait to make this! As an enthusiastic member of Team Not Everything Has to be Healthy and Pleasure Is Important Too, I appreciate that you have two versions of the drink—one for abstemious types, and one for the rest of us hedonists!